Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*