Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Am getting real tired of your crap…

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.