Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread