Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created