Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

ㅤ

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

who wants to go expliring

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long