Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You Might Also Like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Bros before Ohioes
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts