Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should