Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?