Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.