Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
yall want some gasoline milk
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg