Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”