Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
BETRAYAL
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Hoping to spice up my evening
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense