“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
😂🖐️
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.