“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
With a text.
