“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
classic mixup
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?