Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool

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i havent decided yet


i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter


SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?



Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.


I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!


My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.


A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.


I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.


If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.


What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?


WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there