If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized