Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Wednesday

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away