Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

Leftovers are for quitters!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it