Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.