Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
#StillHurts
checking out some reviews of my local library
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”