Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My favorite female superhero
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.