Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
British people
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream