Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils