Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*