women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.