Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.