women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am