Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

We need it on priority

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Meth is short for Elizameth.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.