Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Bring back the McRib

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.