Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

⚰

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?