women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.