Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Don’t snitch tag.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.