Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Where is your GOD now????

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.