Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Guys, I found it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word