Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye