@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

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@TweetPotato314

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

@kevinseccia

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

@TheRealPalMal

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

@dshack8

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

@Just__J0

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

@Mr_Kapowski

Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home

@DirtMcTurd

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”