boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
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It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?
Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”