Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My blood type is b hungry.