Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

My beach vacation Google searches

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!