@mattZillaaaa

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

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@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

@bracealmighty

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

@bonehugsnirony

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

@bourgeoisalien

The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, “Happy Birthday” just to get cake.

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@SamGrittner

Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in ‘Lincoln’ he spent ten months on the side of a penny.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.