FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me [travels back to ford’s theatre 1865]: wow, this is actually a great production
me: oh, I forgot that’s why I came back
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler