@mattZillaaaa

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

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@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@10InchesPlus

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

@lincnotfound

me [travels back to ford’s theatre 1865]: wow, this is actually a great production

[shot fired]

me: oh, I forgot that’s why I came back

@SketchesbyBoze

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@NapVeg

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know