(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, “Happy Birthday” just to get cake.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in ‘Lincoln’ he spent ten months on the side of a penny.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.