Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America