Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
dead inside
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.