Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans