Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
🙅🏻
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Think I pulled my liver
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.