Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.