Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You Might Also Like
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
went fishing caught a bass
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Shoo shoo! 😂
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?