Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’