Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*