@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

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@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

@sonictyrant

[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@RidiculousSheri

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming