they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon