Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.


I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.


Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!


Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff


[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.


Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst