@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

You Might Also Like

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@Pirate_nurse

Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

@cbdoubleu

[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

@KayaJones

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst