@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

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@copymama

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@Where__wolf

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@fillthevacuum

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one