Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter