Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I put the mess in domestic.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.