Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”