Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
So that’s what we looked like?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.