Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Saw your ex at the shops
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”