Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.