Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

i actually laughed 😩

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.