Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I hope this email finds you in a well
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.