Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
We all have our pet causes.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.