Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

security at the airport getting more straightforward

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

I would move hell over six inches for you

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.