women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz