Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Still a very good boi….

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR