Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I am HOWLING at this

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?