Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Rude much 😂😂😂
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
incredible book dedication
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.