Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”