Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Fight
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams