Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*