hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[answering door on halloween]
please stop giving the children hamsters
ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying