Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.