@sgrstk

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

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@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over

@ThugRaccoons

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

@iamspacegirl

[answering door on halloween]

NEIGHBORHOOD MOM:
please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween

@thejessbess

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?

@Shen_the_Bird

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying