Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me as a therapist: omg same
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.