Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]