Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”

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Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!


Twin: so I had an idea…


Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.


How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.


Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.


I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.


[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”


My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.


[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]