ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT