Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
How all things should be taught/explained.
Two types of dogs.