Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.