Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish