Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired