Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Before & after 😅
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt