Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
You Might Also Like
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The news
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂