Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
when dads have a rap battle
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa